My Newsletter

I know that I have a few people who read this blog but don't get the newsletter. And some first timers from facebook that just saw the go see my blog status. (Welcome) And maybe some that said, "I didn't even know you had a blog or letter or internship. I am here on accident. (Again, welcome.)

Below is the text from a newsletter I sent out in conjunction with the internship through my church. I am no longer on staff with them and this talks about why. With some anecdotal notes on the family thrown in for flava. While I don't intend to send out the newsletter anymore you will still be able to keep tabs on me though the blog if you so choose.

Thanks


FINAL EDITION OCTOBER 1ST 2009
The AP Intern

As I sit in my home and think about what fall was going to bring this year I have to admit I had no idea.


Felicia started her first year of school. She is growing up so fast! I don’t remember giving her permission for that either. She is making new friends. She loves going. We live close enough to her school that either myself or Sherawn or both of us will walk her. The conversations we have are a time I know that none of us will forget. I have wanted to keep going at times and just soak it up while I have it. I know it won’t last. Not in the same way. Conversations will switch from show and tell over to how she should never ever kiss a boy because they are evil. At least that is one of the conversations I have with her in my head. But I know that she really is growing up faster than I thought she ever would. Makes a Dad proud. And terrified.

Sherawn has been busy. Her massage business has picked up. She has started to work for a dear friend and past boss at Cooley Chiropractic again. It is fun to hear about the people who call or come in with the "Sherawn, you’re back" as a way to welcome her. Also just recently she started taking a couple shifts with a Physical Therapist that she has had as a therapist and friend from church. I have never seen someone in my life who can get a job as easily as Sherawn. I swear they come to her! She doesn’t even have to try. I am glad that the rest of the world sees her as being as great as I do. If only I could convince her that she is that great.

The biggest change for us however is the reason that this is the last newsletter that I will be sending. As you all know from past notes I developed a neurological disorder about two weeks after I started the internship at the church. Dystonic Chorea Athetosis. This is in the Parkinson’s family of disorders but is not Parkinson’s. Although the symptoms often look the same. Over the last few months I have seen more needles pokes and prods than I certainly would have wanted. I even got a shot of Botox the other day. It hasn’t helped, but my shoulder looks 10 years younger. But with all the doctors I have seen I am no closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. People have been telling me for years that something in my head just wasn’t right. I didn’t know they were right. Unfortunately this time the crossed wires in my brain have resulted in my inability to continue on in the intern position. I have had to leave my pride in the closet and admit that at this stage of my life...I can’t do it. It hurts to type it but it is true. I just can’t. When you have to take anti-nausea pills because the movements in your own body give you motion sickness it is time to reassess what your path in life is. So now that after only a few short months of announcing the transition to vocational ministry, I find myself transitioning again.


For the time being I am a stay at home Dad. When can I return to work is a question that I don’t know if I will be able to ever answer. The medications I have been taking to treat this disorder can at times make me look totally normal and I feel somewhat ok. The key word in that line is "can". I don’t know from day to day or even minute by minute what my body will do. So I wait. I am trying to actively wait; I am pressing on. But I wait. Fearless and scared all at the same time. Doing my best to never utter "what if?"


So with this I /We say thank you! The support and prayers from family and friends has many times literally moved us to tears. We have seen over the last few months the church standing up and being The Church. The support we have had is so, so humbling. And we continue to covet your prayers while we try to get back up after having our world flipped upside down. You have meant more to us than you will ever know!!

God Bless.

Nate, Sherawn, and Felicia.

busy

I had to laugh at the last post now that I have had a couple of weeks to come back to it. If you have not read it yet, or just plain forgot what I wrote; I was writing on staying focused in how we act or react to the things we let consume our time even more so to the time we spend doing things that don’t focus on God. I laugh because of the ironic time line in between that post and this one. I haven’t typed because I was busy.

I would say that I have a few good reasons to have been scrambling around trying to keep life in some sort of order. My internet access was limited being on the road to Kansas City, MO. Then Sherawn went to a seminar in the twin cities so I was playing Mr. Mom for a few days. My medications lately are becoming less consistent in holding back the disorder in my nervous system. Then there was the impromptu trip to Chicago to see family. My Grandfather is having a rough go of it health wise and I wanted to spend time with him. My family has been trying to capture every last bit of good weather before the polar bears come out again. Not to mention all the panicking I had going about how I was finding next to zero sponsors for Anchor Point/Duluth and Beyond’s “Art In Me” festival last Sunday (Aug.23) I think that most would offer me grace and let it slide. It’s not like I am dillydallying on creating the cure for cancer. In the grand scheme of things not taking the time to post is no big deal.

Except for one thing… I had made a personal decision when I started my internship with the church that my blogging and newsletters were to be done in a timely manner. Both were a way of updating friends and family and also a way of gaining some accountability for myself. I had made a decision to do this and stay on track! And then I didn’t.

“Fact of the matter is nobody has an excuse for not staying focused on what God has for our lives.”

This is the punch you in the face kind of sentence from the last post that I have a tendency to forget. No matter what I have going on I need to focus on God. No matter how daunting the circumstances. This doesn’t mean that anyone needs to walk around with a Bible in one hand and a cross in the other never removing their eyes from the items in their possession. Doing that will just cause a person to run into things on the street. What I am referring to is just taking the time to commune with God. Work God into the equation and work Him in fast. I had the time to type this stuff all along but I chose not to. I was just too busy trying to spin all my plates to see the time that God had set aside for Him and me to talk. He is the one who knows best and He is there all the time. And while responsibility is something that comes with this world (like it or not, that is just how it is set up.) I must remember to dedicate everything first to the one who is in charge. And then before I stop praying remembering that I need to listen. When we are walking with the Lord it is not about deadlines or honey-do lists it’s about getting to know Him. He will lead and all He asks is that we follow. After that everything falls into place.

IHOP Day 2

The drive down to Kansas City started interestingly. I was pulled over by the police five minutes after we started because of a bad headlight. We all talked about it for a while and laughed about the odds of that happening. And as far as excitement goes that is where things pretty much died down. Iowa has little to offer but corn field after corn field. Starting out at 4:30 A.M. resulted in all of us being drained physically. By the time we got back to the church that is letting us stretch out some sleeping bags on the floor we were all pretty slap happy and laughing at things that were really not that funny now that I think about. A nice couple from the church has blessed us with the use of their showers. So it was nice to wake up knowing that was there for us. Showers where pretty close to the end of our energy level as demonstrated by the glazed over eyes I was seeing in the rearview mirror. Naps are a topic that comes around quite often as a recreational option. We are sputtering a little is a fair assessment.

I actually thought that it would have taken longer for that to happen but 10 hours in a car can do that to a person. I was reminded of how life in general is so much like this. An idea comes to mind and at first excitement is easy to muster. Shortly, often too shortly, we find ourselves putting the project on a shelf where it stays. I can’t count how many times that has happened to me. Sitting in a room designed to be used as a place of 24/7 prayer I wonder what the people who lead here do to keep themselves from losing their focus. As of yet I haven’t found an answer. I think that there are a few things I can rule out such as; they are super heroes with unlimited power. They are of course regular humans and don’t have that option although at times I have been known to wonder, maybe hoping a little bit that I would as a non-superhero might have an excuse. “Well I would love to be God’s little superman but alas I am not able to fill that role. I don’t have a cape.” Tada- instant out and no obligations for Mr. Stewart today.

Fact of the matter is nobody has an excuse for not staying focused on what God has for our lives. God knows what you do on your spare time, He knows what we fill our heads with using the television, radio, or internet. We all make choices all day long. Good or bad we make them. And we then must deal with those consequences good or bad. The choices we make will one day be exposed while we kneel in front of our maker. If I make a guess I would say that these people on stage and teaching get distracted just as much as anyone else. What sets them aside is the CHOICE to turn their focus back to God. I hope one day to have the kind of drive it takes to keep focused 100% of the time.

“Lord thank you for reaching down and touching my heart. Thank you for making me new after pulling me from dark places I couldn’t escape on my own. I thank you that no matter how many times I fall you are there to pick me up again. Fill me with the knowledge of you, take me up in your Spirit, spring up oh well inside me, let the river of life pour out from me. I am hungry for more of you!! Break the chains that bind me. Help me keep my focus on you. Amen.”

IHOP Day 1

Sitting in a room filled with 500 hundred+ teenage guys and gals today was more than just a thing to drag some kids to so we could cross one thing off the Youth Group list. I think part of the reason that I feel called to youth ministry is the energy that they have inside. If you put a group of like minded young adults in a room and get them excited about what unites them, it is interesting to see the emotions, commotion, and even the physical changes I was able to witness.
The music was loud and people were singing along, some dancing, coupled with a lot of praying. Grins from ear to ear, holding onto each other as they walked through a space that reminded me of an old hockey arena turned church building. The staff at the International House Of Prayer (IHOP) in Kansas City, MO. go to extensive lengths to put on an event. From the lighting, professional singers and musicians, a camera crew, sound technicians and countless volunteers all working in concert to minister to the best of their ability. The effort put forth shows that what they are doing is not just some hobby or time killer. The people involved are active because they have felt a call from God.

During the last session of the night the speaker got up and talked about how sins can carry down from one generation to another. If a Father is not there for his children, the children often times follow in the same pattern. He spoke quite eloquently and got his message across very well. I was impressed with the passion that he put forth as he spoke on something obviously close to his heart.

I did have an unexpected moment at which I wanted to scream, cry, vomit as I watched teen after teen approaching the stage during an alter call. I saw tears pouring down their faces, and some even wailing while asking for the blessing of their Heavenly Father as opposed to their non-existent earthly one. One young woman in particular stuck out to me. A small physical stature yet walking tall at the start of the lesson, well dressed, well groomed, she was a picture of what a “good Christian girl” should be. As the speaker was delivering the message however this young woman sank lower and lower in her seat. Every time she heard a specific act i.e., molestation, emotional abuse, neglect I saw what I can only describe as a hammer coming down on her spirit as it was beaten to a pulp. By the end of the session she was reduced to a crying and shaking child leaning into the arms of a trusted friend. Praise God she had a friend sitting with her because I can only imagine what it would have been like to go through that without a shoulder to lean on. The Spirit was working on pulling this refined gold/young woman from the fire. Praise God for his mercy that endures forever and for restoration during the times that the world has dropped the ball. While she had been suffering on the inside God had his arm around her waiting for such a time as this.

What has happened to us as a nation that would allow us to neglect our children, to abuse them, to treat them as a nuisance? What happened that is letting a generation of youth suffer so much so needlessly? Don’t we as a nation care anymore? Why is the body of Christ sitting by the wayside instead of screaming at the top of our lungs STOP!!! A normal person that saw a child walking into a busy street, or stepping into an open flame would run at them, yell, pull them back. Why is this any different? Our children are suffering from a disease of mistreatment that is killing them from the inside out. There is a familiar phrase that comes to me, although I forget who coined it, that goes something like this; “All it takes for evil to prevail is for good people to do nothing”. What I saw today was the result of good people doing nothing and our kids are paying the price.

Certainly the world is our mission field and we need to concentrate on witnessing to those around us, but if we are not doing anything for the children that are under our own roofs then I suggest staying home.

Giving up what I thought I had

Over the last few days Sherawn and I have been taking a big first step. We went to a place with which we were not familiar, with people we didn’t know and then proceeded to leave our child with them. Felicia is attending her very first Vacation Bible School. This may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. She was in a church that was highly recommended by people we trust. The large group of volunteers seemed to be fairly organized with plans in place to ensure the safety of the children. They had 3 nurses working who were available if any kind of health issue should arise. A check out process for the kids to avoid any kind of predatory issues. Color specific t-shirts for the different ages to avoid mix-ups in the classes.


So if everything is in place so well what is it that makes Sherawn and I feel like we are throwing our child to the wolves?


We have been blessed over the last 5+ years to spend an amount of time with our little girl that many would and probably should envy. While these years have not been easy because of things like; being home the first year not because we had the money saved or vacation time but instead because I had a back injury that kept me off my feet. The occasional month here week there from changing jobs/being unemployed. And Sherawn taking these years off of work to be a stay at home mom. All of these scenarios have resulted in some form of discomfort both physically and more so financially. Statistics show quite clearly that money is the leading cause for divorce so you can imagine the stress involved there. Physical challenges are for the most part uncontrollable or completely unavoidable leaving a person feeling terribly out of control. That all being said one thing we were always able to control is the care of and welfare of our daughter.
We have some pretty strong feelings about how we should be raising our daughter. She was not allowed to watch TV before the age of 2. We rarely allow for junk food in the house so if she wants a treat she goes most often for carrots or fruit. We are constantly working with her on setting a strong foundation in her faith. And to the best of our ability modeling what it means to walk the walk of a Christ follower. We have a hands on approach to parenting and, although willingly, that approach has required sacrifice.


This time that we have had with Felicia has been the one thing that either of us has viewed as a constant. With the advent of VBS we have to go outside our comfort zone. That is why we feel like we are feeding wolves. We have to trust someone else for the well being of our little girl. WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL! AAAARRGGH!

In dealing with this issue it has dawned on me just how much of everything I do is out of my control. In my last post I talked about giving things up that I knew were out of my control. Now I have been trying to give up something I thought I had some control in. God by definition is Sovereign. That means he is in charge of EVERYTHING. If God were to give up part of His control, no matter how small, God would at that point cease to be omnipresent, omnipotent, sovereign, etc. That will never happen. So why then do I insist that I have any kind of control? And should I just give up on everything and just let God take care of it? Hmm…tough questions. Questions that would take up far more discussion than the confines of a blog. (A blog that admittedly tends to be kind of wordy. Sorry about that.) So I will try to give a Cliff Notes version.


First: God doesn’t want us to just give up. We are called to be good stewards of that with which we have been entrusted. Remembering always though that our “stuff” is not ours it is God’s. He is just letting us use it for a while.


Second: Our life is not our own. God didn’t put us on this planet for us to think about us. We are here to glorify God.

Third: Fighting as hard as you can to gain control from God is an exercise in futility. In the battle of You vs. God, You are going to lose.


So what do we do with this? Try not to think about life with you as the puppet with God holding the strings. Instead God asks us to walk with Him. Seek His will for your life, lean not on your own understanding, & trust that God is who he says he is and wants what is best for you.


Don’t view your life in the way that I had as a first instinct to bringing Felicia into VBS. The instinct to take her and put her in a bubble and never let her out into the big bad world. Yes Sherawn and I are called to raise Felicia and watch over her, ultimately though God is the one who is really the Father. My job is to raise Felicia in the way that God would have her raised. This is the principle we need to have in all aspects of our lives like health, jobs, and in the general purpose for our lives. Although our initial human nature will want to push back, and I know this is not always an easy task, let God have control without putting up a fight. Pray, read the Bible, guard your heart from the workings of the enemy, and dedicate every day to the one who made it. You and I will achieve so much more, in a more peaceful state, free of worry and fear. And that sounds pretty good to me.

Now if I can just remember to read this post again in the fall when Felicia starts kindergarten.

Plans

Today is my wife's birthday. 33 today. On Friday we also get to celebrate our 10Th wedding anniversary.

When I first met Sherawn she was only 17. I was 18 and getting ready to go into college for firefighting. I wanted to get on a fire crew in Chicago. Sherawn was thinking about moving to Charleston, South Carolina after high school so she could become a marine biologist. What we had planned came nowhere near what we ended up doing. And we had our plans all laid out too.

The older I get the more I realize that making plans is often times more like throwing spaghetti noodles and hoping they stick rather than actually planning anything. Life has it's way of squishing and throwing our plans into the garbage. I am glad we have gone down the path that we have it's just that once in a while if God would let us in on the secrets that our futures hold that would be ok. I don't need to know everything, but I could use a heads up on a few things. Like how am I going to manage to pay all my bills this month or which one of the medications that I am trying is going to fix my neurological disorder?

Unfortunately that is not the case. We are forced to go through life wondering. So why do I bother to think about this stuff at all? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Scripture calls for us to put all our faith in God however that is easier said than done. At least for me anyways. I have always been a bit of a control freak. Ok maybe a big control freak. I don't even like to sit in the passenger seat of a car. I want to be the driver!! Which is most likely why God is allowing me to become so dependant on my wife whenever I need to go somewhere. ( Usually not a good idea to have someone that spasms uncontrollably in control of steering. Just sayin'.) I have some lessons to learn it seems.

Right now I feel terribly out of control. I have muscles that move on their own that I couldn't stop if I wanted too. I can't drive. I can't make plans that have any kind of length because I can start what looks like a seizure at any time without warning. When that happens I am shot for that day and maybe the next. Stress exacerbates the problem so work for now is a hindrance. So what's a control freak to do?

I practice, then I practice, and then I practice some more. I practice giving control over to God. Not that God doesn't have control already, what I mean is that I quit fighting for control. Again this is easier said than done. I fight daily with trying to control my life. I can't see God, I can't hear Him, I can't touch Him. Faith is harder to come by when there is nothing palpable in front of you. It is easier to believe in myself. I can see me. But God is sovereign and what He says goes. I can't stop what God says is going to happen. So I need to do what I should always have been doing. Trusting in God for everything. Everything!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

As a child of God I have been called according to His "Good, pleasing and perfect will." I am guessing you are picking up on the pattern here. God is GOOD-he does GOOD things. It is not like I am turning over the reigns to some idiot who doesn't know what he is doing. God has a plan and His plan is better than my plan. God's plan for me is GOOD. As for my plan...well my plan kinda stinks in comparison.

If I go back to those two teenagers who had the whole world figured out back then. I would say, well I would probably just laugh at the clothes and hair. I wouldn't tell them what was going to happen. I would be tempted to share a few lotto numbers but I wouldn't share the future. The teenage Me would have tried to change things anyways. I like where God has taken me. It could have been easier at times but even the hard times have helped get me to where I am.

So I will just hang on for the ride the best I can. It will be much less bumpy if I let God be the one driving. And I will try to not fight to hard when God reminds me that I should stop trying to move over into his seat and grab the wheel.

Suffering

Strange that a God who is so loving and sovereign would let things pass over us that brings about cause for tears.

I just got done reading a post from a friend of my family. It was a loving tribute from a Mother to her Daughter that was given back to God. A baby that was here for just a fleeting moment and then…gone. She talks about laying white flowers on the gravestone that shows little feet etched into it. Feet that were not given the chance to grow past the size of a newborn. Ten years have passed and she still struggles with “how do you deal with this kind of loss.”


I and Sherawn still find it hard to think about the baby we never got to meet. Certain songs can still not be listened to. The sight of an ultrasound machine whether in person or on television still makes my heart stop for a moment as I am forced to relive hearing “It looks like you are having a miscarriage.”


My friend Josh who wakes every morning waiting and hoping that God gave him back the use of the lower half of his body. Forced to see people walking, running, playing who maybe never had a thought to the fact that nothing in this life should be taken for granted. Included; the use of legs or certain internal organs.


As I get a twitch in my shoulder I think about the idea that my body is not ultimately under my control. There are things that I can do to prolong my life for a time but in the end a person has to come to the conclusion that we are in a state of constant decay. Slowly breaking down to point when eventually some crucial part of life is removed and we pass from this world.

“ 3. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4. perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4 NIV

In Paul’s letter to the Romans we see someone who has gone through his share of suffering, encouraging the Body of Christ as the Church to hold fast to the promise that God is in charge and has a purpose for each of us. That suffering is not something done for the sake of suffering but rather to build up in us a hope for the things to come.

So here is my paradox: If it is suffering that produces hope, how do I in turn then hope for a future without suffering? Shouldn't I be asking for God to run me through the ringer for the rest of my life so that I can grow?


I think the answer is this: I need to stop thinking about my life as temporary. I must come to an eternal perspective for my life. And I need to then cover that viewpoint with the sovereignty of God.


God knows what is best for me and I believe he is actively working for me to achieve what is best for me. In the same way gold is refined with fire I am being refined by God. And in just the same way as gold, I will be watched so that I have not too much and not too little fire…aka suffering. Eventually I will be made whole. And it is in knowing that someday I will meet my Maker, spend eternity with Him, and be able to look back as someone who has made it through the fire that I can rejoice.


As long as I keep the reigns in God’s hand and not try to “take charge of my life”. As long as I lean on Him for strength I will be able to get through my sufferings, and lend a hand to those around me who are suffering as well. I won’t try to pretend that I will never hurt, or cry but I will be able to look forward.


So what do I tell my friend that has lost her precious little girl? Nothing…there is nothing I can say that is going to remove the sting of that kind of loss. I will however walk through it with her as best I can and continue to pray, trust, and hope in the one who is over all things so that I can look forward to the day when Christ removes us from the fire. I can look forward to the day when:

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4)